i dunno i’m sad and lonely and kind of wanting attention so i think i’m just going to go read in my room and fall asleep as quickly as possible
One of the hardest things to get rid of is the whole “cool girl” concept. You know, “I don’t mind that you do x thing because I’m cool”, and the “Sexy/single/sane: pick any 2” thing, and the Nag. This idea that YOU MIGHT BE CRAZY and at any minute, the dude you like is going to think you’re mental and clingy and overly demanding, especially if you voice a concern about the way a guy treats you. I mean, I think of all the times I or female friends of mine have made concessions or put up with behaviour that made them feel a little hurt, just because they don’t want to be the Nagging Harpy That Ruins All The Fun.
I think it also kinda ties in with that urge to never bother anyone and to be as unobtrusive as possible. Standing up to someone whose approval you desperately want and saying “hey you’re being a bit shit to me please stop that” is not exactly a gentle, unobtrusive thing to say.
It’s something that still kinda ingrained for me, that weird fear that I’m more trouble than I’m worth and need/want more than I can reasonably ask for
I mean. Not that it’s particularly relevant to my life rn but I was typing and then this post happened
NO but this has been fucking me up. Always. Jesus Christ. To the point that I put up with terrible bullshit because I don’t want to be the nagger/so clingy/etc. and just
This is part of why I get such bad anxiety with dudes. Because I’m terrified that I’m going to be considered like this and I just don’t know how to stand up for myself or anything. fuck. too relevant. And I’m not voicing my true thoughts/concerns/emotions very well right now.
But yeah I’ve been accused of clinginess/whatever because I’m like that and stuff and just
there’s too much that’s too personal that I want to put here but can’t.
Yeah but Eilidh has it square on the nose :/
i think the reasons WHY I feel so insecure lately are a) trying to lose weight makes me super super super conscious of my physical appearance, b) the party is making me super scared and idk what do i do i want to look my best and professional and if nothing else, having break outs make me look even younger than i already do (which is awful), and c) i’m trying to take care of myself and all that i see when i look in the mirror or think of myself is stuff i’m unhappy with and i feel like i should control it
i really don’t think i want to go to this party, but i should really do the networking and what if i can get to know people in this business and if nothing else damn i want to wear one of my cute dresses and look nice buuuuut. at the same time it’s like “wow i’ll be eating in front of people, wow i’ll be having a cheat day in front of people, wow i need to lose like 50 pounds or something idk i haven’t weighed myself and i can’t do that until october because otherwise i’ll get too obsessive about it (again) and i keep feeling super compelled to do it”
this ain’t going so well haha
let’s just hope that once i get to my goal weight (which won’t be for another loooong x months or whatever) i’ll feel a little more content or w/e
there’s just too much going on in my head, i know, because i know i stress myself out like this by thinking like this and letting it all get to myself
also i’m killing myself trying not to think of that dude.